I recently read an article that has made the rounds stating that it confirms parents still lose sleep about grown children. And I still worry about my adult children.

I didn’t read the article because I don’t need a study to confirm this for me.

I always worry about my children – adult or not – and perhaps I worry about the adult ones just a little bit more than my youngest one.

While I may have faced foster care, moving to a new country and being a rape survivor among other challenges, I do believe that parenting as a whole has been by far been the biggest challenge in my life.

I’ve cried a lot over the years because of it because part of me feels guilty. I had to be semi-absent for two of my children while my third was fighting for his life. During times that they may have actually needed me the most. And it felt like my hands were tied and no matter what decision I made, one or more of my kids would be hurting.

There are parts where I now reflect back and think perhaps we should have done things differently, bring them to the hospital more while their brother was hanging onto a thread. And we were merely protecting them but I also get that dying and all the crazy things we experienced are indeed part of life.

When I get into this feeling of guilt I have to remind myself that in every single moment I am doing the best I can with what I know. I can’t do more than that. I totally could do worse but not more.

And as I am watching from the side-line how my adult children maneuver life, there are times, I want to sweep in, give them a hug and let them know it’s going to be okay.

It’s tough, and I mean really tough seeing your children struggle with all things life and that you feel like you can’t do a damn thing about it.

It’s like a teeter-totter because part of me absolutely wants them to struggle, to figure out what they want and how to make it happen while the other part of me want’s to kick them in the butt and tell them to get their shit together.

My heart aches as I watch one of my kids struggle with his life and he’s losing his footing again after just having found it not so long ago. I know he’s hurting and I know that he isn’t going to reach out for help, at least not any time soon. I hope he knows that his family will have his back no matter what.

And in the meantime, my youngest is transitioning to high-school and we are facing a new challenge as he’s venturing into a different playing field.

Parenting at any level isn’t easy when you know you have to allow your kids to experience life, make the mistakes and hope will all your might that they can see the lessons.

My heart feels heavy today as I continue to watch and worry about all of my kids.

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