I’ve always felt different since I was very little. Like I didn’t fit in or belonged anywhere. This was fueled by being a foster kid and then later when I immigrated to the U.S.
It’s like I didn’t have a place to call home and walking lost in this world trying to find my way.
It didn’t help me that I felt things so strongly, knew the feelings of those around me even if we never spoke about them. It’s then I discovered that I am an empath and that I also am clairsentient, which to me, of course, goes hand in hand.
But there was more. Because I don’t follow mainstream very easily and it had me again wondering what was wrong with me? Aside, the fact, that I didn’t have to like what other people liked, it still made me feel like I didn’t fit in anywhere.
It became frustrating, to say the least. I wanted to talk about the latest personal development book, but couldn’t/can’t get myself to read it. I wanted to talk about the latest TV Show, to have that thing in common with others. But it still eluded me.
But there is always light at the end of the tunnel and as I was on my own journey, I started paying attention to my intuition. I analyzed what it meant to the past and current situations, and came to the conclusion that my intuition repels what does not move me forward.
Think about it, if your gut, your intuition gives you a big fat no, it’s doing it because it’s your internal knowledge center. It’s connected to the higher powers that be to ensure that you are walking the path that is only intended for you.
This means that being a rebel, going against the status quo is the thing you ought to be doing. Even if it means you get the eye roll or question from those around you that may not understand.
And in the end, I am not so much different and neither are you.
Feelings and thoughts are universal.
This is how your journey to self-acceptance comes about. When you can recognize that there is a commonality among us, that in the end, we want a life that feels amazing and that we are all just going differently about it.
I believe that we all are here to give each other a different perspective, to learn and grow from. And that may just be the best thing ever.
There are moments that are still haunting me in my life, although they are becoming less and less. These are moments I am not incredibly proud of but there have by far contributed to my own personal growth.
The distance in time helps but there are still moments of shame, guilt, and even embarrassment.
It wasn’t a great time in my life, the relationship I was in was falling apart for many various reasons and I was still heavily into self-loathing and self-destruction. Even though I had young children to care for.
I went out to a party and that’s it. I don’t remember anything after that, except for brief moments sitting in a cop car and then waking up behind bars as I was released.
There has been a war within of taking responsibility for myself and my actions while realizing that my drink was spiked. And perhaps it wasn’t but that’s not the point of this post.
The point is, I was drunk and got behind the wheel and had to deal with the consequences.
For the first time in my life, I had to look at myself.
I had to acknowledge that what I was doing was not serving me or my kids.
I had to see that how I was showing up in this world was fully my responsibility.
I needed to take accountability for my actions.
And it was hard and painful.
For the first time in my life, I saw I was playing the victim.
The victim because I was born to parents who were not equipped to raise me.
The victim because I grew up in foster care and no one wanted or loved me.
The victim that if no one thought I was good enough, I didn’t deserve to love myself.
As I began looking at myself at the age of 26, who had endured so much, I was able to make sense of my own behavior. It felt like the fog has finally lifted and that it was time for me to step out of the shadow.
I was embarrassed that I allowed it to get out of control.
I was ashamed that I seemed to have followed my parent’s footsteps.
I was riddled with guilt for slamming the truck into a house with a family in it.
How could I allow this to happen?
Going through all the motions after the restricted license, the required education class and therapy I know that I balanced on the edge between alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction.
And truly, there is no excuse.
But there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up over it.
It’s been 16 years.
16 years of venturing out into the light.
16 years of turning my life around.
16 years of becoming who I have always been.
There are still moments where I shake my head in disbelief and say, “How could I?” but it happened exactly when it needed to happen.
It happened so that I could wake the hell up.
I needed to unravel and become completely undone.
And in the process, I learned to be gentle with myself, to acknowledge we don’t know what we don’t know but to be open to the opportunity to step into awareness for ourselves.
Since that day, I look at every event and every experience and see what the relationship is between past and present. And there is always a relationship. Don’t believe me? Keep a diary of the events and behaviors in your current life and think back when this behavior showed up before. What was the event? How do you feel?
I drank because I wanted to fit in, needed to courage to speak and because I hated myself. But I didn’t know these things. I didn’t know that is why I was drinking so heavily all the time.
I needed to learn to be okay with my past, to love myself exactly the way I am flawed and all and I needed to know that I could always depend on me.
But more than anything else, I needed to forgive.
Forgive my parents.
Forgive my foster parents.
Forgive all the other people.
Forgive the events that happened to me beyond my control.
Forgive the events that were completely in my control.
It is the time that I no longer feel ashamed over this event or embarrassed.
We all do some stupid things at times, some bigger than others.
But they are not the end of the world.
There are however lessons to be learned and grow from.
I am no longer hanging my head in shame but rather acknowledge the incredible awareness that happened because of the event.
And at this moment in time, I want you to know that no matter what stupid thing you have done, you are okay – right here, right now. Don’t beat yourself up over it because you will miss out on so many things that are truly good in your life.
I love you!
It’s finally here! 365 Days of Becoming – a Journey into Self!
I’ve been working on this, well ever since the idea came to me and so I spent about a month creating the pages and start putting it together.
And it’s a monster!
What exactly is 365 Days of Becoming?
It’s a journey into self. Think about it like as if you are born every single day. Something new to explore and discover about who you are!
Growth always happens from the inside out and it requires courage to be you.
And this journal is so much more because it is also a coloring book. And I wrote about doodling and journaling to give you an insight of how I got started and hopefully conveyed why I find this important!
So how do you use this journal/coloring book?
The pages are filled with quotes, mantra’s and affirmations so you can really feel into the words.
Use them as prompts if you are not sure on what to write.
Color them in any time you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed and just need to calm yourself.
What will this journal help you achieve or what will it do for you?
- It will help you to be more present in each moment. All too often we are scattered all over the place and forget to feel and be.
- It will help you to unlock your own creativity and tap into the parts that perhaps you have been hiding.
- It will help you solve your own problems. When you venture into sitting down every day and uncover what is holding you back, you are opening the door to your solutions.
- It will help you become more confident as you are diving deep into your soul and go on to discover who you are.
It’s 365 Coloring Pages and 365 Writing Pages! This thing is HUGE!
Here’s the thing, life is an adventure and this book is your companion along this journey!
Get your Copy of 365 Days of Becoming on Amazon Today!
When you are in the trenches of life, of the unknown and in the struggle, you are given situations and even opportunities to change and to make the leap to grow.
There is no denying that I struggled in my life, that I was in the trenches more than I can think about in one moment. And yet I know that each experience was also a lesson.
And I suppose that when my youngest son was diagnosed with this rare genetic disorder, the Universe was trying to make sure I finally wake up.
Walk on the Level of your Soul
It was time to look at me, my life and the people that were in it and decide that I could no longer go on the way I had existed.
And this isn’t something that can be taught but I made the space to be guided by my soul.
It meant to become more present in each moment and to walk some of it alone and yet I was never truly alone.
But the experience, the feelings, the knowledge I held combined with my soul made an impact. It set me free from conformity and broke the chains trying to contain who I really am.
Soul walk doesn’t just happen!
It starts with a wake-up call! 8 years ago, on this day, my son received his first donated liver. A few days after he needed his second liver. The month that followed, they were hard.
The kind of hard that is incredibly difficult to put into words. For a moment, I saw him not breathing, and the doctors doing their best to bring him back.
It’s in that moment you lean into trust. Give your soul permission to guide you.
It’s knowing that in each moment you are okay!
It meant that because of the medical advances, technology my son could receive this amazing gift of life. There isn’t a day I don’t think about the families who made the choice. The choice to give the gift of life.
I am so grateful for the families but also the soul journey that followed because it would mean nothing if I don’t walk on the level of my soul.
I had to get naked from all the shit I was feeding my mind with. Reframe the messages and the norms I was taught.
It was time to begin a new draft. A new story but one that is co-authored by my soul.
This doesn’t mean the struggle stopped, quite the opposite. But it taught me that gratitude is much more than just being thankful for what is.
It is being grateful for the lessons, the experiences, and the journey. This kind of gratitude is truly hard to explain because is a feeling from within.
And here is my message to you:
Until you are truly ready for this kind of a soul walk – you will without a doubt, struggle, experience hardships and wonder when your life will change.
And your life will change when you are ready to go into the darkness and come out into the light.
It is dark and scary and all too often overwhelming because of the unknown and gazillion what-if’s swirling in your head.
But in this moment, what if you could be present and reflect on where you have been, where you are and where you are envisioning to be going with your life.
Gratitude isn’t something that can be taught.
It is something you experience.
It is something you feel deep in your existence.
Because I can tell you to write down what you are grateful for 10 times a day all day long, but unless you are ready to shed the bullshit it won’t matter and your soul will bring you that wake-up call if you don’t start listening to your soul now.
Allow your soul to guide you.
If you are ready to look at yourself in a different light, to really walk on the level of your soul, then join the Rebels Academy!
It’s filled with courses, programs, resources, and challenges to help you connect with you!
How do you feel about going against the grain? Does it make you feel uneasy, or maybe you feel a little out of place, because well you know that sets you apart from others?
Going against the grain and being different isn’t exactly easy.
I remember when Harry Potter first came out and everyone went crazy. I have yet to read a single book or watch a movie.
And people still love Harry Potter and I am totally okay with that, but it isn’t for me. And it doesn’t have to be.
We are all so very different and because most people like this or that, doesn’t mean you must either.
Those things that set us apart from others, the mainstream, those can be the most things about us.
But most importantly, what if they help and get other people to think.
- To think for themselves for what they desire.
- To speak for themselves to what is in their heart.
- To be true to them and have a life that feels good.
Isn’t that really all that we strive for in some way? And those who go against the grain, pave the way for those who are trying to still figure it all out. For those who are just a little afraid to speak up, to be true to who they are.
Going against the grain may feel like you’re an outsider, someone, who doesn’t fit it, but trust me there are more of those around than you think.
I had this conversation one day about how I do these things that make me feel good and take action on those ideas that inspired me. I have no desire to fit in and to play it safe.
My desire is to feel free of the pressure of needing and being like everyone else. The freedom to do the things I love and help those who would like to find their own path in this world.
There are other people like you who enjoy random genres of music and dislike the holiday season – and it’s not that we don’t love giving gifts.
There are other people like you who have never read Harry Potter or watched Twilight, let alone read 50 Shades of Grey.
There are other people like you who don’t like playing it safe, who take inspired actions on their ideas and live their life according to their own truth.
Be okay with who you are – even when it means going against the grain.