Fear and anger have rooted within you because of the pain and hurt you have experienced. Some of them you still remember while other’s have blocked themselves from your memory.
I used to be a very angry teenager.
I was angry at the world, the foster care system, the counselors, my parents and even myself.
I was angry at the struggle of trying to fit in and I was afraid no one would ever love me.
It haunted me and led me to make some potentially fatal and at least life to altering decisions.
It’s through each decision and experience I became a little more aware. A little more in tune with me. A little more clear about what I stood for. A little more knowledgeable about what is holding me back.
Forgiveness is never easy and truly it isn’t about forgiving the other person, but to heal yourself through love and compassion.
Perhaps there are some things that can never be excused and it’s even more challenging to put yourself into someone else’s shoes to understand their thoughts and the actions that followed.
But something I learned over the years is that we all have some kind of ball of negative experiences that keeps itself chained to our ankles. And that in each moment, everyone is truly just doing the best they can with the knowledge and awareness that they know how.
It took me 30 years to figure this out. And even though there are still stories and experiences that come up and trigger some kind of anxiety within me and make me aware of the pain, I lean into compassion.
I lean into the pieces that help me take back control.
I lean into the parts of me that allow me to see that I am likable, loveable, brilliant in my own right. And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, we can’t.
And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, you can’t.
It’s time to start healing yourself through forgiveness and compassion and start loving the parts about you.
- Start by making a list of the memories that haunt you.
- Practice Ho’oponopono
- Cross each line off your list after you practiced the following 4 steps
- Burn or flush the list
Step 1: I’m sorry
You are in control of your thoughts and also responsible for them. It’s easy to blame yourself for somehow being at fault for the experiences in your life. And it’s painful. And any feelings you have after the event will fuel your guilt.
These feelings and emotions may have caused you to
- hate yourself which shows up in addictive behaviors
- fear within and around you which you numb through food, drugs or alcohol
- angry and you don’t know how to rein it in so you lash out
Start there and say you’re sorry. That’s it!
Step 2: I forgive you
Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Just state “I forgive you”.
Step 3: Thank you
Say thank you for being the best you can be in each moment. Thank the universe. Say thank you for what you said I forgive you too.
Step 4: I love you
Say I love you. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.
I practice his forgiveness prayer often. Anytime a memory comes up that startles me, that makes me wonder, shows the emotions of fear and anger.
It’s important that you don’t fear your emotions.
Acknowledge them, explore the cause and practice forgiveness.
Journaling has become such a big part of my life and everyday routine. It wasn’t always this way and I really struggled to commit but at one point I decided I wanted this to change. So I set out to journal every day and just free write every morning. I call this dumping my brain and now I journal throughout the day just about anything that comes to my mind.
I know getting started can be tough because what the heck do you
write about right? Allow this journal prompts to guide on your journey. Journaling is useful for gaining insight into yourself, solving issues, gaining clarity and learning to express how you feel.
As you look at each prompt, do allow yourself to write the first thing that comes to mind. Use the prompts in order or jump around.
And if you are feeling brave enough use them for your blog inspiration!
1. What has flowed easily to you this past year?
2. What new things did you learn?
3. What are you grateful for? Make a list of 100 things!
4. What didn’t go so well this past year?
5. What would you like to let go of this year?
6. What do you dream about?
7. Imagine your dream is already a reality. What does it feel, taste and sound like?
8. What is the one thing you need to do to move your dream forward?
9. How will you commit yourself to you?
10. Describe a day in your life now.
11. describe a day in your ideal life.
12. How can you nurture yourself more?
13. Describe 5 traits you like about yourself.
14. How do you limit yourself?
15. Where would you like to be 3 months from now?
16. How do you see yourself?
17. Describe a situation in which you felt guilty that was not your fault. How does it show up now?
18. What causes you to procrastinate?
19. Write a letter to your inner child.
20. Write a letter to your 90-year old self.
21. What is your favorite quote and why?
22. When was the last time you felt helpless? What did you do about it?
23. How do you self-sabotage yourself?
24. List 5 things you have achieved in your life.
25. How do you respond to a crisis?
26. Describe something you learned that didn’t come easily to you.
27. Are you dreaming big enough?
28. What are your unspoken dreams?
29. Write about your pet peeve.
30. Describe your parents.
31. What have you learned from your mom?
32. What have you learned from your dad?
33. Recall a happy moment in your life. Describe it in detail.
34. Write about the saddest moment in your life.
35. Free write about the first thing that comes to mind.
36. You need to make a change in your life. Do you do it cold-turkey or pace yourself?
37. What does courage mean to you? When does it wane?
38. What things drain you?
39. Remembering what you wrote about draining you, how can you manage this better for yourself?
40. What do you value in your life?
41. What are the things that get you excited?
42. What is something you are putting up with?
43. What do you believe about money?
44. What does your intuition tell you?
45. What scares you the most?
46. What are you committing to change today?
47. What adventure would you like to take on?
48. Write about something you could do, but you don’t.
49. What is your biggest struggle?
50. What do you want to be known for?
51. What consumes your life?
52. What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far?
53. What do you believe about yourself and where did this belief come from?
54. What would a day without complaining look like?
55. What are your passions?
56. Do you have a mentor? What did you learn from them?
57. Write about 5 exciting things about yourself.
58. What was your first thought this morning?
59. What does success look like for you?
60. If money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?
61. What drives you?
62. What is a goal or dream you gave up on or put off?
63. What is frustrating you right now?
64. What is the principal guiding your life?
65. What was the last disagreement you had? Why? What was the outcome?
66. What is your comfort zone?
67. What is your favorite thing in your life right now?
68. What makes you feel safe? How do you know that you are safe?
69. What do you desire in your life right now?
70. How do you make decisions?
71. Name 5 favorite things.
72. What are you willing to give up in your life right now?
73. What would you do if you know you couldn’t fail?
73. What do success and failure mean to you?
74. Describe your ideal job.
75. Write about your ideal vacation.
76. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you were grown up?
77. What kind of friend are you?
78. What is your priority in life?
79. Who are the cheerleaders in your life?
80. How do you feel in a crowded room?
81. What was your most embarrassing moment in your life?
82. How do you communicate?
83. Are you a pessimist or an optimist?
84. What is a secret that no one knows?
85. What would it mean achieving your dream?
86. What do you like about other people?
87. What do you dislike about other people?
88. Where will you be 5 years from now?
89. What idea is in your head right now that needs exploring?
90. Who in your life knows you best?
91. What motivates you to take action?
92. How do you feel about love? What does in mean in your life?
93. What was the first sight, sound, smell and sensation you experienced getting up this
94. What was the most profound help you ever received?
95. How do you feel about receiving?
96. If you were to make a change, how would other’s react?
97. What was your wake-up call in life?
98. What is your highest achievement in life?
99. What will you do this week to embrace self-care?
100. What is your most destructive behavior?
101. What pleasures bring you joy in life?
102. How do you feel about sex? Write about the positive and negative.
103. What transition are you experiencing in life right now?
104. What opportunities are standing before you?
105. When in your life have you felt the strongest?
106. What old habits do you fall back on?
107. How has not living your dream impacted your life?
108. What is your attitude about others who appear successful?
109. How do you feel about being rich and wealthy?
110. What is your biggest challenge in your relationships?
111. How do you feel about conflict? What do you do?
112. When I say no to someone, I feel…?
113. How can you think different about an issue in your life right now?
114. What is the worst possible thing that could happen right now?
115. What is the best possible thing that could happen right now?
116. What life lesson would you like to pass on to others?
117. What lie have you told to someone?
118. Write about your favorite way to get lost in an activity.
119. What is your zone of genius?
120. What does normal mean to you?
121. Describe a personality trait you want to get rid off.
122. What is your mantra?
123. How do you feel about affirmations?
124. What old habits do you fall back on?
125. What compromises have you made?
126. Describe yourself as if you were writing a letter to someone who doesn’t know you.
127. Do you have your own sacred space?
128. Have you stayed in situations that you shouldn’t have?
129. Write about your typical day.
130. What causes you the most stress in your life?
131. What is your life do you need to let go of?
132. What habit would you like to have in your life?
133. Who are the people you reach out too when you need understanding and support?
134. Who is the most important person in your life right now?
135. Who is someone who is no longer in your life? Why? Would you want them in your life? 136. If you could spend the whole day pampering yourself, what would you do?
137. Do you still have some unfinished business you would like to take care of?
138. What impact have you had on someone?
139. Write a letter to someone you are angry with.
140. Write about your favorite memory.
141. What are your most empowering beliefs?
142. Are you living an authentic life?
143. What do you love about your life right now?
144. What was the most difficult time in your life? What did you learn?
145. What are your most limiting beliefs?
146. How do you feel about forgiveness?
147. Have you forgiven yourself for any events in your life?
148. Do you ever feel overwhelmed? What do you do to remove the overwhelm?
149. If you could spend a year in someone else’s shoes, who would that be? Why?
150. Do you agree or disagree that your thoughts become your reality?
151. What would be the first realistic step towards your dream?
152. What do you want to change?
153. When I look in the mirror, I see ….
154. If you could be a fly on the wall, when and where would that be?
155. Are you truly happy?
156. Do you keep your word to yourself?
157. How does fear show up in your life?
158. Do you feel like it’s too late to go after what it is you want?
159. Are you a sensitive person?
160. What is your relationship like with your parents?
161. Where do you want to live? Why? What can you do to make it happen?
162. How can you step out of your comfort zone?
163. What is your best advice to someone who is struggling right now?
164. How do you like to connect with people?
165. What do you do for fun?
166. What do you know about mindset?
167. What is something you always wanted to do but haven’t?
168. What is one experience that shaped you into who you are?
169. How are you different now than you were as a child?
170. What is your greatest achievement to date?
171. How do you limit yourself?
172. How is your life different from you imagined it?
173. What is the first thing you think about when you wake up?
174. What are you most grateful for?
175. What are your most positive attributes?
176. What makes you laugh the most?
177. Write about a time you laughed so hard you cried.
178. What do you think you should do in this life?
179. My closest friend is…
180. Free write about whatever comes to mind. Don’t hold back.
181. Who has had the most impact in your life?
182. What does journaling do for you?
183. How do you feel about love? Love at first sight?
184. Write about a place that you will never visit again. Why?
185. What bores you?
186. Do you show the world your true self?
187. Write about a time you were moved to tears.
188. Write about a time you stood out. How did that feel?
189. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
190. Are you on the right path?
191. What have you been putting off? Why?
192. Are you a spiritual person?
193. What do you believe is the secret of success?
194. Are you a funny person?
195. What is something you can’t live without?
196. How do you show gratitude?
197. Do you have boundaries in place? Why or Why not?
198. Describe an experience you thought was unfair.
199. Do you have any junk in your life that is ready to move on?
200. Do you believe in regrets? Why or Why not?
201. You get some amazing news. How do you respond? What do you do?
202. How do you feel about technology?
203. What’s the thing you fear the most? What would it take for you to do it anyway? 204. What drives you crazy?
205. When was a time you felt unsafe?
206. Do you have room for fun and play in your life?
207. Are you good at what you do?
208. What irrational fears do you hold onto?
209. How do you talk to yourself?
210. Write about the things you are grateful for in life.
211. You have 15 minutes of fame. What is your message to the world?
212. What is your learning style?
213. What causes you anxiety?
214. Write about something unexpected. What do you do?
215. Write about a time you flew into a rage.
216. Write about a time you did a random act of kindness.
217. Write about a time you felt guilty. How did you overcome this?
218. Write about a time you had a moment of clarity.
219. You’re a winner. What did you win?
220. What is the best idea you’ve ever had?
221. I believe in magic. Yes, Why? No, Why.
222. Do you have a plan? Do you need a plan?
223. Are you a worrier?
224. Nobody knows that I …
225. What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done?
226. The most disappointed I’ve ever been….
227. Three things you want in a relationship.
228. If you had to evacuate your home, what would you bring? Why?
229. What is the dominant emotion in your life right now?
230. What made you feel good on this day, week or month?
231. What are you learning right now?
232. What’s your wildest dream?
233. What makes you unique?
234. How would you describe your best friend? How would your best friend describe you? 235. What would make you feel spiritually fulfilled?
236. What is noteworthy about your upbringing?
237. Who in your life is a hero? Why?
238. Write about a time you struggled with a choice.
239. Where in this world do you want to travel to?
240. Write about a jealous moment.
241. What is your hobby?
242. What belief do you hold on firmly?
243. Write about something minor that became a big deal.
244. Write about a time you were talked into something.
245. Did you ever forget something really important?
246. Write about being a misfit. A moment in time where you felt like you didn’t fit in. 247. Write about a time your parents embarrassed you.
248. I really hate it when ….
249. How forgiving are you when someone lets you down?
250. Describe you fight you had with someone you love.
251. Write about two things that your family taught you.
252. How do you know if someone loves you?
253. How do you know that you can trust someone?
254. What kind of day are you having? Why?
255. Free write about the first thing that comes to mind.
256. What do you like to do? How does it make you feel?
257. What do you consider to be your culture?
258. Do you have a philosophy of life?
259. Who is someone you miss? Why?
260. What is a mistake people often make about you?
261. What is something you disagree with about the way you were raised?
262. Write about an event that has changed you.
263. What is your idea of a dull evening?
264. What do you think the world needs now?
265. How do you want to feel every day in your life?
266. Describe a time you felt vengeful.
267. When was the last time you cried? Why?
268. Which is the least important to you? Money, power, fame and so on. Why?
269. Nothing can be worse than …
270. I felt the most inadequate when ….
271. Describe a dream that came true.
272. Everything went wrong…
273. How do you feel about being alone?
274. Dating is…
275. I’ll never forget when…
276. Write about a moment or time you were not authentic.
277. Do you hide your feelings? Why or Why not?
278. Did you ever hold an unpopular belief or opinion?
279. The world’s greatest feelings list
280. I am the one who…
281. I believe …
282. It makes me blush when …
283. I never forget the day when __________ (name/event) did ____________
284. What compliments have you given ou this past week?
285. Make a list of 30 things that make you smile.
286. The words I like to live by …
287. I couldn’t imagine living without …
288. When I am in pain (physical/emotional) the kindest thing I can do for myself is …
289. What does unconditional love look like?
290. I really wish others knew this about me…
291. What does “enough” mean to you?
292. What surprised you the most about your life?
293. Make a list of what inspires you.
294. Write the words you need to hear.
295. Make a list of what you need to say no to.
296. Make a list of what you need to say yes to.
297. Why does _____ drive me crazy?
298. I could never …
299. Free write about whatever comes to your mind.
300. Find a quote and make it your journal prompt.
301. What really matters most to me?
302. What’s on my mind right now?
303. Do something fun today and write about it.
304. Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.
305. If I knew then what I know now.
306. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
307. What did you learn today?
308. Name something you would like to devote more time to.
309. Quality or Quantity?
310. What is your favorite time of the day?
311. I love my name because …
312. Good friends are people who …
313. It really puts me in a bad mood when …
314. What are you grateful for?
315. How you and your parents alike?
316. What have your parents taught you about money?
317. How much self-control do you have?
318. Are you hard or easy on yourself?
319. How do you perform under pressure?
320. How impulsive are you?
321. What annoys you?
322. What challenges have you overcome?
323. What are your survival strategies?
324. What’s cluttering up your life?
325. Write a thank you note to someone.
326. What do you need to forgive?
327. What is the best book you read? Why?
328. Why do you write?
329. What word do you overuse?
330. How do you feel about cursing?
331. What new skill do you want to learn? Why?
332. What are your long-term interests or passions?
333. What investment will you make for yourself?
334. What hidden talents do you have?
335. What is the most meaningful relationship in your life?
336. What do you think your clothing says about you?
337. What are your sleeping habits?
338. What is your comfort food?
339. What are your eating habits?
340. Do you love to cook? Why or Why not?
341. What are your holiday traditions?
342. What would you risk your life for?
343. No one in my family knows or remembers this …
344. When I was a child, I didn’t realize that…
345. When I witness my own life story, the patterns I see are…
346. Are you content?
347. What is your best memory of the year?
348. Can people change?
349. Tomorrow will be better because …
350. My house is a home because …
351. What was the last thing you apologized for?
352. What was the last new thing you tried?
353. What mood are you in today?
354. What is your superpower?
355. What rituals do you have or hold?
356. What do you like to do in your free time?
357. What is your current state of mind?
358. What is one of your life goals?
359. What is the best decision you ever made in your life?
360. Write about not being able to see ahead of you.
361. Write about something you don’t want to do.
362. Write about being quiet when you feel like shouting.
363. Write about the power you felt when you told someone no.
364. Free write about the first thing that comes to mind.
365. Turn to an entry in your journal from the beginning of the year. What has changed and what has stayed the same?
Healing is an ongoing journey and in the recent week, trust came up for me.
Trusting myself to make good the decisions.
Trusting in just being me.
Trusting myself to know I am awesome at what I do.
Trusting myself that I am a good mother.
Trusting myself that I am a good partner.
And so much more… like the list could go on. It’s something I shared today in a group and one response kind of hit home, like those onions, were quite heavy in the air.
I haven’t always trusted myself in the ways that I could and desire in part of decisions I made and in part of the journey behind me.
You see in the past I have allowed people to oversee the direction of my life. Relinquished control of what I want to be, do and have instead of trusting my own voice and use it.
And it is something I am currently healing and it’s a process to just trust and be.
And it isn’t easy because sometimes it’s easier to find all the reasons of why I can’t trust myself when I ought to be looking at all the reasons I can trust myself – and the latter is a much longer list.
Ego is a fickle beast and rears its ugly head even for someone who coaches around mindset.
So here I am healing and trusting and surrendering, to know that the words I share with you are as important to me as they are for you. That I trust my inner being of guiding me into the direction of continuing to follow my path.
And sometimes it gets murky like the bottom of the lake as it was stirred up and it will take some time for the sand and dirt to settle until clarity has been reached. It’s the murky day’s trust is ever prevalent because we can’t see what’s in front or below us.
So here I am swimming murky waters, trusting and surrendering.
I am an emotional whirlwind and am taking huge steps to heal the inner child.
My reality has always been that I just wanted to be loved. Loved without considering the cost of myself. I sacrificed myself and devalued myself for the sake of being loved.
I went to a dance class with a social dancing event afterward. Immediately upon arriving, I felt awkward and alone – but I stayed anyway. I love dancing so much that it hurt being there where I felt so lost and I couldn’t bare the pain.
I left to be alone in my pain, for not fitting in and being so damn socially awkward. I cried for my “little me” that had been neglected and abandoned. I cried because of the people that made fun of me because I didn’t have parents like they did. I cried about the need to make up stories and lying to fit in. I apologized to “little me” for not telling anyone when I was molested or when I was raped and held it all inside. I cried for “little me” who wanted to be praised for good grades and instead was told she is stupid and wouldn’t become anything.
I cried for “little me” who hurt her little brother telling her she is forgiving.
I cried for the teenager cast away to another foster home only to find solace in alcohol and drugs.
It was the kind of cry you know when your heart has truly been broken.
And in the morning I was still feeling the pain and I continue to cry because this release of all this pent-up crap has made it to the surface. I wrote a letter to “little me”.
Dear little Petra,
I love you. I love your eccentricity, love for life and empathy and compassion for humankind. I love that you are different playing with Lego’s and cards instead of dolls and doing those crazy stunts on your bicycle at the park down the street.
I love your writing because it is filled with provoking thoughts and passion as well as your art – what a talent you have.
Little Petra, please allow yourself to trust me. I only have the best intentions for you and don’t want you to get hurt. What happened to you was not your fault so don’t let it dampen your light – instead shine because of it.
When your parents couldn’t give you what you needed, it was in your best and highest interest to be in a place and space better suited for you. When the 1st foster home no longer served your needs because you were too normal – you went to be with a family that wanted to love you. Perhaps it was a lesson to be learned from them that even though life was mostly good, at times it was bad. It was never their intentions to hurt you but anger does funny things to people. Anger stops people from truly loving another person. Their heart was full of the love of their children and anger perhaps towards all the parents that couldn’t do what they did. Forgive them and forgive yourself, little Petra.
Petra, you are not a bad person and when the foster family released you it was because they didn’t know how to help you. Counseling in the 80’s wasn’t the norm. Petra know this, you were meant to cross path with everyone you met because you could meet amazing people who believed in you. They believed in you for being a good friend and your amazing smarts you keep hiding so well. I mean who fails school one year but then excels to graduate on top? You do, of course.
it is okay to love and be loved. You will shine the light to help others heal and guide them on their own journeys of self-discovery. Trust me little Petra because I will guide you there.
You are amazing, funny, smart, caring and a shining light in the darkness.
All my love,
The Adult You
This image came to me at a perfect time!
It’s never too late for healing the inner child – you will be raw and need to take steps for some serious self-care.
Don’t let the past dampen your light. Shine because of it.
The other night, a lady that lives in my town and was my kids’ teacher while he was hospitalized was in a terrible accident. She was in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. She’s currently in ICU and will face a long recovery and as I pondered what I could do for her, I decided to reach out to my creativity and make her a blanket.
A blanket made with love and gratitude and hope and comfort.
But it all got me thinking back years ago when I was on my own self-destructive path and I was the drunken driver behind the wheel hitting the house in which a small little boy was lying asleep.
I was ordered to attend alcohol education class, pay my fine, restricted to the only drive to work, school and picking up my kids from the sitter as well as have an SR-22 as part of my insurance. This should have been my wake-up call. I often talk about my son’s medical story behind the beginning of my change… but it didn’t start there… it was only a mere kick in the behind – but more on that later.
When I received my DUI, every decision thereafter was calculated from all sides. Each moment evaluated of how I feel about it – and I swore I would not drink and drive ever again.
But it didn’t stop me from drinking – rather I planned my nights out with a designed driver aligned and got even more sloshed. One night I was drinking so many Jack Daniel shots that I was going into psychosis and totally freak out about shadows behind the tree screaming “they are coming to get me”.
It scared the piss out of me and I reduced myself to drinking 1 drink for when I was out or at home – and I began some major soul searching.
Did I not tell myself at 8 years old that I would not be like my parents?
Did I not say that I would not be the alcoholic like my father?
And here I was – drinking so self-destructively and that is exactly what it was. I was on a path of self-destruction because if my parents couldn’t love me – who was I to love myself?
If even my foster parents couldn’t love me enough to keep me – who was I to care and love for myself?
I was in the motions of pleasing everyone around me while slowly drinking myself to bits whenever I had a chance to do so. Oh, I was a good parent I told myself. I cared for my children, they were clean and fed and had a roof over their head. But the second I could go out and let loose – I did.
I realized that I had some forgiveness to do – not only did I have to forgive my parents for abandoning me, and my foster parents for making believe I was not worthy to be part of a family, I had to forgive myself for not loving and caring for me.
It was only through forgiveness that I could really take charge of my life and make it exactly I had envisioned at some point. It’s taken a lot of years of work, searching and aligning myself, following my gut and yes also my heart.
There are still moments where I may have one too many every 6 months or so – I don’t drink when at home by myself… and I either have a designated driver or I don’t drink at all.
I am very clear about it all – and I am also good about it all. But I wouldn’t have gotten here if I had not forgiven myself for the decisions I have made.