Fear and anger have rooted within you because of the pain and hurt you have experienced. Some of them you still remember while other’s have blocked themselves from your memory.
I used to be a very angry teenager.
I was angry at the world, the foster care system, the counselors, my parents and even myself.
I was angry at the struggle of trying to fit in and I was afraid no one would ever love me.
It haunted me and led me to make some potentially fatal and at least life to altering decisions.
It’s through each decision and experience I became a little more aware. A little more in tune with me. A little more clear about what I stood for. A little more knowledgeable about what is holding me back.
Forgiveness is never easy and truly it isn’t about forgiving the other person, but to heal yourself through love and compassion.
Perhaps there are some things that can never be excused and it’s even more challenging to put yourself into someone else’s shoes to understand their thoughts and the actions that followed.
But something I learned over the years is that we all have some kind of ball of negative experiences that keeps itself chained to our ankles. And that in each moment, everyone is truly just doing the best they can with the knowledge and awareness that they know how.
It took me 30 years to figure this out. And even though there are still stories and experiences that come up and trigger some kind of anxiety within me and make me aware of the pain, I lean into compassion.
I lean into the pieces that help me take back control.
I lean into the parts of me that allow me to see that I am likable, loveable, brilliant in my own right. And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, we can’t.
And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, you can’t.
It’s time to start healing yourself through forgiveness and compassion and start loving the parts about you.
- Start by making a list of the memories that haunt you.
- Practice Ho’oponopono
- Cross each line off your list after you practiced the following 4 steps
- Burn or flush the list
Step 1: I’m sorry
You are in control of your thoughts and also responsible for them. It’s easy to blame yourself for somehow being at fault for the experiences in your life. And it’s painful. And any feelings you have after the event will fuel your guilt.
These feelings and emotions may have caused you to
- hate yourself which shows up in addictive behaviors
- fear within and around you which you numb through food, drugs or alcohol
- angry and you don’t know how to rein it in so you lash out
Start there and say you’re sorry. That’s it!
Step 2: I forgive you
Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Just state “I forgive you”.
Step 3: Thank you
Say thank you for being the best you can be in each moment. Thank the universe. Say thank you for what you said I forgive you too.
Step 4: I love you
Say I love you. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.
I practice his forgiveness prayer often. Anytime a memory comes up that startles me, that makes me wonder, shows the emotions of fear and anger.
It’s important that you don’t fear your emotions.
Acknowledge them, explore the cause and practice forgiveness.
There are moments that are still haunting me in my life, although they are becoming less and less. These are moments I am not incredibly proud of but there have by far contributed to my own personal growth.
The distance in time helps but there are still moments of shame, guilt, and even embarrassment.
It wasn’t a great time in my life, the relationship I was in was falling apart for many various reasons and I was still heavily into self-loathing and self-destruction. Even though I had young children to care for.
I went out to a party and that’s it. I don’t remember anything after that, except for brief moments sitting in a cop car and then waking up behind bars as I was released.
There has been a war within of taking responsibility for myself and my actions while realizing that my drink was spiked. And perhaps it wasn’t but that’s not the point of this post.
The point is, I was drunk and got behind the wheel and had to deal with the consequences.
For the first time in my life, I had to look at myself.
I had to acknowledge that what I was doing was not serving me or my kids.
I had to see that how I was showing up in this world was fully my responsibility.
I needed to take accountability for my actions.
And it was hard and painful.
For the first time in my life, I saw I was playing the victim.
The victim because I was born to parents who were not equipped to raise me.
The victim because I grew up in foster care and no one wanted or loved me.
The victim that if no one thought I was good enough, I didn’t deserve to love myself.
As I began looking at myself at the age of 26, who had endured so much, I was able to make sense of my own behavior. It felt like the fog has finally lifted and that it was time for me to step out of the shadow.
I was embarrassed that I allowed it to get out of control.
I was ashamed that I seemed to have followed my parent’s footsteps.
I was riddled with guilt for slamming the truck into a house with a family in it.
How could I allow this to happen?
Going through all the motions after the restricted license, the required education class and therapy I know that I balanced on the edge between alcohol abuse and alcohol addiction.
And truly, there is no excuse.
But there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up over it.
It’s been 16 years.
16 years of venturing out into the light.
16 years of turning my life around.
16 years of becoming who I have always been.
There are still moments where I shake my head in disbelief and say, “How could I?” but it happened exactly when it needed to happen.
It happened so that I could wake the hell up.
I needed to unravel and become completely undone.
And in the process, I learned to be gentle with myself, to acknowledge we don’t know what we don’t know but to be open to the opportunity to step into awareness for ourselves.
Since that day, I look at every event and every experience and see what the relationship is between past and present. And there is always a relationship. Don’t believe me? Keep a diary of the events and behaviors in your current life and think back when this behavior showed up before. What was the event? How do you feel?
I drank because I wanted to fit in, needed to courage to speak and because I hated myself. But I didn’t know these things. I didn’t know that is why I was drinking so heavily all the time.
I needed to learn to be okay with my past, to love myself exactly the way I am flawed and all and I needed to know that I could always depend on me.
But more than anything else, I needed to forgive.
Forgive my parents.
Forgive my foster parents.
Forgive all the other people.
Forgive the events that happened to me beyond my control.
Forgive the events that were completely in my control.
It is the time that I no longer feel ashamed over this event or embarrassed.
We all do some stupid things at times, some bigger than others.
But they are not the end of the world.
There are however lessons to be learned and grow from.
I am no longer hanging my head in shame but rather acknowledge the incredible awareness that happened because of the event.
And at this moment in time, I want you to know that no matter what stupid thing you have done, you are okay – right here, right now. Don’t beat yourself up over it because you will miss out on so many things that are truly good in your life.
I love you!
In my own journey, I have been more afraid of success than I have of failure. I think I have failed many times but always picked myself up and kept on going. But to really embody my vision, to really step into it brought up a lot of fear.
The challenge around success can be
- losing friends and family
- making more money than your partner
- thinking you won’t have time for yourself
And really isn’t it just silly to think you are losing friends and family? Because here’s the thing, people come and go and not everyone is meant to stay in your life.
What is the worst that could happen if you find new friends or letting go of people who don’t really support you? I mean, you want to be supported and hanging out with those that don’t believe may not be the best thing for you.
And so, what if you are making more money than your partner? Is that really a bad thing? Will that shift your relationship or will it create room to improve it? Having an open dialogue with your partner is always a good idea.
And just think the more successful you are and money you make, you can hire support for your business and even in your home and boom there you go, more time for you.
But what about the fear of failure?
Are you already expecting to fail so that you are not creating the product or the service? Are you expecting that no one will read your book and so you don’t bother writing it?
I suspect that this old messaging that you have learned since childhood. From your school days and bad grades to either not being hired and even fired. All of which may have said to you that you are not good enough, which is bull.
So how can you move through the fear of success or failure?
- Declutter your mind
The best way to declutter your mind is to write all your fears and doubts out of your head.
This can be huge because maybe you need to forgive a teacher or a former boss, so that you can step into your new belief.
Be compassionate with yourself and others. This was then and this is now. You have learned and grown so much, don’t hang on to the day you were not hired.
Own your strength and make a list of all the things you are amazing at and what you do.
Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements no matter how big or small.
Journal about the fears, the forgiveness, compassion and your strength. Acknowledging your fear is a good thing because then you can look at it like a detective and see where the evidence is in that belief. Chances are that you have done so much more since you received a bad grad or were fired.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and I call it “The Answer to Life” because well I will be 42 and they say that is the answer ha!
I decided to declutter and clean out my office because I still haven’t fully organized since moving in and here I was, going through photo’s and took a quick trip down memory lane.
And I decided to let a lot of pictures and cards go. Some things I have been hanging onto for over 10 years.
- For evidence of the happiness and sadness
- For remaining attached to the pain
- For always remembering where I once was
Letting go of the pictures doesn’t mean I am letting go of the memories. Instead, I am releasing the attachment and the feelings that truly aren’t serving me anymore.
The energy around those pictures was heavy and I don’t want to feel sad about my experiences, I want to feel grateful that I had them in the first place.
I didn’t get rid of all the pictures, just the ones that didn’t really serve a purpose, like the ones from my marriage, a previous engagement, and the sentimental cards from people who are no longer in my life now.
I did keep the pictures of my kids because those I find important and I traveled for the past 24 years to see how far my oldest has come, how cute my middle kiddo was (is) and of course the youngest.
And I realized in looking through those pictures that my boys really have a close relationship, they have each other’s back no matter what and that just makes me feel really good in my heart.
Did I teach them that? Maybe.
Either way, I am grateful for it because that means they will never really be alone.
But my biggest realization in all of it is that I am okay and I have always been okay. Nope things haven’t always been easy, in fact, I struggled hard sometimes but I absolutely love the woman I am today.. and that my friends is how I am going to celebrate my birthday.
These past few months, my theme had to do with letting go.
Letting go of having a relationship with my mother. I mean let’s be honest, I aim to be positive and maintain healthy guilt free relationships. This means mourning not having a mother in the way I imagined it.
Then my son turned 18 and soon after graduated high-school. I always look forward to this milestone but there is also that let goes of the responsibility. The allowing of him overseeing his life and learning to love from a different angle. To show him support in his decision, trusting that he will do what’s best and more importantly what is right for him. I have done my job, I believe to have done it well. And just like a bird has to fly its nest, so does a child need to venture out on his own.
There has been a death of a loved one. Someone I admired for who he was, for the love he gave without judgment. Death is unavoidable but that doesn’t mean the heart doesn’t ache. He was a great father, grandfather, and friend. I will always remember him to be loving and supportive of me. This is who he was at its core. I am sad as I wish that more people were like him. For all the people to be who they are, love people without judgment and unconditionally.
And then there was Father’s Day and I wrote a wee post on it:
He always told me I was the apple of his own eye.
My entire life, this is what he told me and I couldn’t fathom the fact that if this is the truth, then why could I not live with him.
Why did I live in a home with no love? A home that merely provided the basic needs of survival overlooking the needs one really needed.
I didn’t understand it then but I know that in my father’s absence, I grow stronger. I became the mother I am today because love comes without conditions.
But to see his love, for seeing he only ever did the best he could at any given time, I had to find compassion.
And the moment I started loving myself, given me what I needed, I was on my way to healing my heart and head into forgiveness.
I haven’t spoken to my dad in 23 years, nor do I know if he’s still alive, but wherever he may be, I think of him always for the lessons he taught me in his absence.
The moment I saw the lessons, I knew there was more to life than work. I knew and know that life is about love, about feeling gratitude in each moment and for the laughter. It is about feeling good about how far we have come and the life we are creating.
Be compassionate in knowing that in each given moment, we are all doing our best – even when the choices seem poor and less desirable.
There is an art to healing and letting go and it is found through compassion and love. In the end, this is what we have to free ourselves from the pain and the hurt. To know that in each moment, we are all doing the best we can.
Embracing the reality of what really is and letting go of our fantasy, that is art.