Heal yourself through loving yourself

Heal yourself through loving yourself

Fear and anger have rooted within you because of the pain and hurt you have experienced. Some of them you still remember while other’s have blocked themselves from your memory.

I used to be a very angry teenager.

I was angry at the world, the foster care system, the counselors, my parents and even myself.

I was angry at the struggle of trying to fit in and I was afraid no one would ever love me.

It haunted me and led me to make some potentially fatal and at least life to altering decisions.

It’s through each decision and experience I became a little more aware. A little more in tune with me.  A little more clear about what I stood for. A little more knowledgeable about what is holding me back.

Forgiveness is never easy and truly it isn’t about forgiving the other person, but to heal yourself through love and compassion.

Perhaps there are some things that can never be excused and it’s even more challenging to put yourself into someone else’s shoes to understand their thoughts and the actions that followed.

But something I learned over the years is that we all have some kind of ball of negative experiences that keeps itself chained to our ankles. And that in each moment, everyone is truly just doing the best they can with the knowledge and awareness that they know how.

It took me 30 years to figure this out. And even though there are still stories and experiences that come up and trigger some kind of anxiety within me and make me aware of the pain, I lean into compassion.

I lean into the pieces that help me take back control.

I lean into the parts of me that allow me to see that I am likable, loveable, brilliant in my own right. And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, we can’t.

And nope you can’t always seem them because when you are blinded by the pain and the hurt and fueled by the anger, you can’t.

It’s time to start healing yourself through forgiveness and compassion and start loving the parts about you.

  • Start by making a list of the memories that haunt you.
  • Practice Ho’oponopono
  • Cross each line off your list after you practiced the following 4 steps
  • Burn or flush the list

Step 1:  I’m sorry

You are in control of your thoughts and also responsible for them. It’s easy to blame yourself for somehow being at fault for the experiences in your life. And it’s painful. And any feelings you have after the event will fuel your guilt.

These feelings and emotions may have caused you to

  • hate yourself which shows up in addictive behaviors
  • fear within and around you which you numb through food, drugs or alcohol
  • angry and you don’t know how to rein it in so you lash out

Start there and say you’re sorry. That’s it!

Step 2: I forgive you

Don’t worry about who you’re asking. Just state “I forgive you”.  

Step 3: Thank you

Say thank you for being the best you can be in each moment. Thank the universe. Say thank you for what you said I forgive you too.

Step 4: I love you

Say I love you. Feel it. There is nothing as powerful as Love.

I practice his forgiveness prayer often. Anytime a memory comes up that startles me, that makes me wonder, shows the emotions of fear and anger.

It’s important that you don’t fear your emotions.

Acknowledge them, explore the cause and practice forgiveness.

Grasping at my emotions

Grasping at my emotions

Today at a fire drill, I felt tears well up and it was a bit of a fight to not succumb. It’s a bit odd to fall into tears at a fire drill because I’ve not had experiences with fire or accidents of any kind that I recall.

I do know that when my son was going through his transplants and I was holding a vigil in the ICU, something happened to me. Something quite drastically if you will.

I’ve always been sensitive but learned to hide it well. I have also always been able to pick up on the energy in the room, the feelings of a person just by standing near them. But when my son was fighting or his life on the breathing tube, my core was shaken up and life took on a whole different meaning.

Trivial things like a tidy home seem to matter less. The way I took care of myself, following my dreams mattered more but not until much later when my son would be alive, playing and going to school.

I also became more sensitive than before. I used LOVE Hallmark movies but I find I can no longer watch them because I don’t want to be a slobbering mess. Cancer stories, the star-spangled banner, the amazing deeds by musicians making dreams come true and amazing proposal – I just can’t watch them without crying.

But I have realized that’s mighty interesting to me… you see before my son’s medical ordeal, I hardly cried. I remember crying when my foster parents would take me back to the group home (I was 6 at the time) – eventually, they would take me in and so my crying stopped. I had no problems life was grant, well not really but I learned to pretend well.

In my adolescent years, quite without a family so-to-speak, I was in another group home. But life was good and I was happy. I had friends that liked me and I was as social I could be ALL.THE.TIME.

I hardly cried though. When I was sad, mad or what-have-you I may have cried in the still of my bedroom but never in front of another person. It kind of changed with the birth of my first-born but never fully or to the extent that I cry now – though I still don’t cry in front of people (at least not if I can help it).

But then it dawned on me, my son’s medical situation truly did change me within my core. It opened the gates of my intuitive emotions. It’s hard to explain but perhaps you get it… I can feel which is something that I have denied myself for so long since my childhood.

For the last several years I found myself getting frustrated about the constant crying I was doing, wondering what the heck is wrong with me, just to realize now that there is NOTHING wrong with me.

I am a sensitive person who feels everything all the time and while I can manage most days well there are those fleeting moments when my emotions must be released. I noticed that in my work, I pick up other people’s feelings and in some instances, they may be carrying along with me until I have a moment to let go.

I find I cry in moments that are so utterly and completely align with me and where I am in this universe. I wasn’t too keen on this happening during a fire drill but man what a great insightful journey this is.

So be kind to yourself on your journey 🙂

 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

It is amazing to me that we have managed another Christmas at home considering we have been waiting for a new liver for almost 5 months now. It’s one of those we wish it would have happened already but glad we were home moments.  Lennon appears ok probably to people looking at him, but I notice the changes. I noticed the blue-ish tinted toes, the bruises because is coagulation is off.. the labored breathing when he gets too excited…and yet knowing that he’s sick or getting sicker he still manages to make me and everyone around him smile.

Santa got him a cleaning trolley with his own broom, mop, bucket, dustpan, spray bottle an a Diego Rescue Center. He loves both of them very much… he has already mopped the kitchen…and rescued animals numerous times a day. Though he had been wishing for an x-box, he didn’t get one.. and he doesn’t appear upset over it… whew.. because of we already one anyway…

I’ve been taking snippets of video with my phone but hope that I can make an extra hat or two to get a small, cheap but good video camera… I think I need to memorialize my family a bit more.. ya know memories.. pictures are awesome.. but can you imagine videos.. and me having the ability to share them with you?

I am a bit anxious, nervous, sentimental among other things… 2 years ago he was fighting for his life in the PICU.. last year we celebrated Christmas at home but soon learned that he was getting sick (again) and this year we managed to be home.. well Lennon wants his lunch …