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5 Tips on How to Set up your own Boundaries

Boundaries are what honors you – all of you.

For you to have healthy relationships with yourself and others – setting and maintaining those boundaries takes time and practice.

It means you are aware and know your limits.

Here are some examples of when you are struggling with healthy boundaries

  • Saying yes when you want to say no
  • Feeling guilty when you say no
  • Going against your own values in order to please
  • Not speaking up when someone impedes your boundary
  • Not sharing thoughts & feelings or opinions when you have something to say
  • Accepting sex and physical touch when you don’t want it
  • Allowing others to say and do things that make you uncomfortable

All of those won’t feel good and impact your personal, emotional, mental and spiritual health. They leave you lost, frustrated, confused about who you are, afraid of taking action and even lack of control over your own life.

So how exactly can you begin to honor yourself?

1. Mindset – Acknowledge that having boundaries are not only okay but they are healthy to have

2. Identify and name your limits – think about times you didn’t feel so good about a situation or person. Include your values, belief system, and outlook and acknowledge what does feel good.

3. Share with others about your boundaries. Have a conversation about what feel good and what you can’t tolerate. Share with them how they may have made you feel.

4. Be willing to give yourself permission to feel fear and self-doubt and acknowledge that people around you may not respond well. And be willing to accept that it is okay. Maintaining your boundaries is connected to your self-respect.

5. Self-Care is and should be your priority. Allow yourself to put you first. This includes seeking support when you have a hard time with boundaries.

It’s okay to not have it all figured out and take small steps. One Boundary, one person at a time.

How to create Boundaries that support you

Boundaries are invisible lines where you space begins and ends and meets another person space.

Boundaries are also physical and non-physical in such that when someone steps too close to you and you become uncomfortable that someone crossed the line.

We all have our own comfort levels when it comes to space and what I often refer to as “the bubble”.

Boundaries are also feelings based on things we picked up over the years and were imprinted with on how we should respond to people in our world.

Boundaries are necessary!

This is an area I struggled with since I was 13, and probably even before then but looking back that is where crossing boundaries started to be more apparent.

I always felt I “should” do this or that to appease people because you have to be nice and saying no, well you were left to feel guilty.

The moment I realized how untrue this is was the moment I was able to claim my own power and align myself in such a way that if it feels like I should, then well I probably shouldn’t.

2 years ago I did an interview with Lift Magazine for Single Mums, and even now it’s quite clear that boundaries are always a struggle. We need to really get clear on our boundaries.

I rely heavily on my intuition, that gut feeling that tells me yay or nay and it’s so prevalent to listen to ourselves.

If you are overwhelmed with shoulds and guilt, it’s time to look at how you can claim back you, your time and a life that allows you to feel good.

But how do you know where to start?

  1. Make a list of all the times a commitment or an interaction left you feeling uncomfortable.
  2. Make a list of all the times that you committed to something but you really didn’t want to do it but you felt guilty for not following through.

This isn’t about creating more guilt, but more of an awareness tool so you know what areas you would like to change in your life so you can create boundaries and honor yourself.

Now that you have those lists, ask yourself how you would like to respond and engage in the future. For instance, when the feeling of should comes up, decline to commit or engage.

The guilty feeling will still be present but with practice, it will fade because you are taking care of who you are and don’t allow yourself to be overwhelmed and exhausted due to crossed boundaries. Allow yourself to feel the relief because you honored yourself and made yourself important enough to engage in your own self-care.

hustle

Why following the hustle could actually hurt you

There is this thing that is happening that could actually hurt you, rather than help you.

And I see it everywhere and it’s a huge problem for those who want to create a life according to their own terms and in a way that feels good.

For those who consider themselves, introverts, heart-centered and are driven by service rather than money.

And that is the hustle.

  • They tell you to get up before the crack of dawn.
  • They tell you to stop watching television or Netflix.
  • They tell you to stop playing candy crush.
  • They tell you to stop focusing on this or that.
  • They encourage you to only focus on your business and work.
  • They assume that if you take a day or the weekend off, you are not a hustler.

And frankly you don’t have to be one in order to be successful!

I believe that if you follow the hustle but it doesn’t resonate with you, that in the end you end up hurting yourself.

Part of creating the life you want is to show up how you want to, be who you are and be of service in a way that feels amazing to you.

The hustle can hurt you if you

  • require some down time to recharge your batteries
  • are stuck in the struggle of “what to do next”
  • are in resistance that can benefit of some surrender
  • you are an empath and/or an introvert
  • you neglect family in friends

There is a big part that is forgotten when people start talking about the hustle. It’s like the part of actually living is not remembered. That the only focus should be to work, work and then work some more.

But where is the fun? The part of where you are actually living your life rather than just existing?

And while this does work for some people, there are some of you that need the down time, That need a wee bit of distraction so that you can not give everything of you to other people.
And the biggest challenges when others preach about the hustle is that you start to question yourself.

You begin to doubt yourself that you are not doing enough. That you are not giving enough. That you are not showing up enough. That you are doing it all wrong.

It feeds the monster of “not being enough”.

And in a world where fear of taking action due to self-imposed doubts due to past interactions and experiences, is doing a huge disservice.

It’s one of the big reasons, I am I talking about  boundaries, self-care and creating your ideal week because I think it’s so incredibly important that you take care of your mental health in the process. And you have to fill your own well before you can be of service to others.

So if you don’t align with the word hustle, know that you don’t have to.

You can do business and life a live in a way that feels good to you!

You can work as many hours as you like but don’t forget to live.

Don’t forget to do those things that you love to do that are not work or business related.

Don’t forget to have fun.

Don’t forget to be human.

If you like to shut your brain off for a bit playing candy crush, by all means do so.
If you like to spend your weekend on the couch watching TV, do that.
If you like to go to bed at 11 pm and wake up at 7:30 am, do that.
If you like to take a nap in the middle of the day, do that.

This is why planning and knowing how you work is so important. This is where being a bit strategic about your actions and your week are incredibly helpful.

You can work on 3-5 most important actions 5 days a week and be as successful as you want to be!

The key to success is becoming self-aware of who you are and what you want to be, do and have,

There are many ways to be successful, you have to chose your own path!

Tell me, how does the word hustle make you feel? Inquiring minds want to know!

maintaining boundaries

Create Freedom with Boundaries – Part 3

Create Freedom with Boundaries Series, a three-part series in helping you identify what you need, communicate them and maintain them.

Part One was about identifying what Boundaries are and how they show up.

Part Two was about how to communicate with other people.

I want to talk about how we can maintain our boundaries once we have identified them and keep the conversation going. 

As we becoming clear as to who are, how we show up and what we want, there will always be an adjustment period.  And learning to be okay that we will disconnect from people periodically is huge.

Journal in the mornings to reflect on the previous day, where your mind was with your boundaries. Were they crossed? Were they aligned? Did something not feel right, or did everything flow with ease? 

Did you get enough sleep? Honoring your self-care requirements is important! Have you followed your routine that supports you being mindful in your presence? 

Did you communicate when someone crossed the line? Or did you hold it in and allowed it to pass? Why?

People, in general, don’t always know where are all of the boundaries are. And sometimes they need little reminders!  

Communicating your needs is part of your self-care protocol. It is using your voice, your power to stand up for yourself when others can’t see that line.

Communicate them and know that  having boundaries is the best part you can do for you.

When you know who you are and what you need throughout the day you will create the best life for you.

communicate

Boundaries create Freedom – Part Two

Create Freedom with Boundaries Series, a three-part series in helping you identify what you need, communicate them and maintain them.

Today I want to talk about how we can communicate about our boundaries!

Odds are that the other person doesn’t even recognize that they have crossed a boundary. And it’s not really because they are oblivious to them. People are not mind readers!

Communicate!

And speaking your truth, naming your boundaries can be really tough, especially if this is still foreign to you.

An indicator of your boundaries being crossed is when you find yourself irritated. Perhaps you are responding to the other person with a cranky remark.  Something was triggered within us, such as a crossed boundary.

  • First, take a deep breath.
  • Recognize if this is a boundary crossing.
  • And then share with the other person that this wasn’t okay.

People want you to communicate with them because just like you, they want to keep the peace but they won’t know unless you say something.

Sometimes it can be too much and you just need to give it a day or two before you can acknowledge this with the other person. It’s okay to create space from the event and then go back to the person and share with them what happened.

Now I want to add, that if the other person continues to disrespect your boundaries even after you shared with them, it’s time to evaluate your relationship.

Sometimes it takes a person a view reminders about boundaries, like calling after a certain time of day (life or business). But it this keeps going on, then it’s a huge form of disrespect and frankly, no one needs that in their lives.

Don’t get upset with yourself if you stumble over the words expressing your boundaries, like everything else, this takes practice.

In our third and final part of Boundaries create Freedom, I will talk about how to maintain them.

Boundaries create Freedom – Part One

oCreate Freedom with Boundaries Series, a three-part series in helping you identify what you need, communicate them and maintain them.

Boundaries are unwritten, unspoken rules that we have. Often times we don’t communicate them and get our feelings hurt. Someone may overstep them leaving us overwhelmed, drained and guilty.

Boundaries are the self-care needs we need to have in place, so we can show up in this world in a way that feels good for us.

Boundaries are not a bad thing.

For some of us, we were never taught about boundaries, because we were taught to give and give and give some more. I am not against giving, I am however against depleting ourselves. Honor and love yourself first and give yourself the respect you deserve. And other’s will follow.

Boundaries are in large a form of self-care.

For me personally, until I learned to set boundaries, I felt tired and drained. I felt obligated to put others first and my needs last. And since I was still struggling with self-love I also struggled with staying true to myself.

Boundaries actually create freedom.

And I can see the funny look you are giving me, but hear me out.

When we can communicate freely about how we want to be treated. When we can share from the heart when something didn’t feel so good. when we are able to say no to a family event without guilt. When we are able to back out of commitments because your intuition says “nope”.

This is freedom.

You don’t have to worry about feeling guilty, overwhelmed or over-committed.
You don’t have to worry about being too tired, feeling uneasy or frustrated.

How do you know what boundaries are being crossed?

  • Are other people telling your story?
  • Are people showing up unannounced?
  • Are people signing you up for things before asking?
  • Are people blabbering about what you have going on?
  • Are people expecting things of you all the time?
  • Are people showing up unannounced?

These are just a few questions to ask yourself about where boundaries may be crossed.

You can also reflect on how people and activities make you feel. If they are leaving you drained, tired and overwhelmed, then in part boundaries may be crossed because you are not actually supporting them or you feel like you “have to” and feel “guilty” if you don’t.

Boundaries create freedom because you are giving  yourself permission to show up and be present to your own personal needs and wants.

Tomorrow, I will talk about how to communicate your boundaries without offending the other person, although speaking your truth will always stir things up – and no it’s not a bad thing, It’s part of the process of creating your own freedom.