How many excuses a day are you making to avoid
- taking action
- setting boundaries
- being uncomfortable
If I had a guess, I’d say a lot, like all day long.
I know because I have been there. I avoided looking at the stories I told myself, keeping me in the shadows. I didn’t take action on my dreams, because who the heck was I? I hated confrontation, and I am still not a huge fan of it but understand it’s the necessity. I didn’t know boundaries were a thing that could support and protect me. And I freaking hated being uncomfortable so I just didn’t face my reality.
I lived like this for 34 years of my life. I look back and can see where my inner Rebel nudged me, giving me little pushes to do the work I needed to do. It wasn’t until I was facing the possibility of losing my son. I have had miscarriages but this was so inherently different. He was 4 and he was alive. It’s his journey that made me realize the bullshit I was feeding myself.
Up until this time on one August day in 2007, I found all the reasons of why I can’t do the things I wanted to do, albeit always believing life can and will be better if I just keep going.
- Foster kids don’t become successful.
- Single Parents will always struggle.
- Abuse and Rape Survivors never have healthy relationships.
- Special needs moms will always fear the worst.
And I can probably keep going being a woman and an immigrant. But those themes I just mentioned are the ones most prevalent in my life.
Foster kids can be successful at anything and everything, just like their peers. In fact, I believe that foster kids make amazing entrepreneurs. We know how to survive in chaos, we understand risks in ways I can’t describe and we adapt to unknown situations.
Single parents don’t always struggle. Single parenting is hard as shit, don’t get me wrong. I raised 3 boys by myself, and even though I am in a committed relationship, I am still the one responsible for all the decisions to be made. And since each child has a different personality and different needs, a cake walk it wasn’t or isn’t.
And don’t let me get started on blended family living and the clashes that can happen within that space. But having friends and a partner that supports you can make all the difference. And just like foster kids, single parents are incredible with managing time, budget, work and their household.
I have been in a committed relationship for the last 12 years, not without dealing with some really shitty times and even left, and yet it’s my longest relationship I’ve ever had. But in my own healing journey, we were able to heal parts of us together. It meant cutting out the bullshit, stop looking at who we were and instead look at who we are now. It meant to communicate and yes even set boundaries within our relationship.
The more you know yourself, the way you think, act and react, the better you can communicate that with your partner. And when you do that, you are making space for intimacy and open the door for the partner to do the same. Now mind you, it’s not my job (or your job) to heal and fix our partners. We can only heal ourselves and be a mirror to those in our lives.
My abuse and trauma still longers but I am aware most of the time. There are sometimes, I am not and it becomes apparent in my mood and my own attitude. But it’s those moments I get to be reflective and remove the bullshit I may have been feeding myself.
And if anything in my life taught me to cut out the bullshit, it is without question becoming a special needs parent. I watched my son fight for his life more than I’d like to think about, but it’s his spirit and his tenacity that have helped me along my journey. He takes each day as it comes, no more no less. There are no stories about the past he is feeding himself and only dreams he talks about for the future. He doesn’t question any of it, he’s quite matter of fact about his dreams will happen.
And he has plenty of reasons to make excuses. But he doesn’t.
I get tired of hearing excuses of why you can’t do something. It makes my heart sad and every now and then I want to shake up awake and tell you that you absolutely can have the life you want. All you have to do is cut through the bullshit and see it for what it is. Your ego trying to keep you playing small.