I’m not wasting my time trying to be real for you, I’m real for me.
Through childhood experiences I have learned to hide – hide myself, my feelings, my being. I have pretended to be happy on days where I am absolutely miserable because I didn’t want people to know what I was living with every day. I have lived behind being bullied as my parents didn’t want me and in turn have been the bully to others who appeared weak.
I have lost myself in trying to please each person around me, instead of pursuing and doing the things that make me happy. I have literally catered to others time and time again.. just to be alone.
There is part of me that feels like “it doesn’t fit in” but why are we so hung up on to fit in.. I clearly feel more like I am here to “stand out”. There is slow progression towards finding the real me …
- the me who will hug a tree because without nature we are nothing
- the me that will tell another person when I have been hurt (instead of keeping it in)
- the me who clearly cares but is not afraid to speak her mind
- the me that follows her passion no matter the risks
- the me who embraces her spirituality in the realm of my paganism and I’m ok with loosing people in my life because of it
- the me who no longer hides in the shadows because society, religion say its wrong – immoral blah blah blah
- the me who is respectful and open towards other who are real – no matter our differences
- the me who sticks with her believes of parenting no matter what others think/say
- the me that is aware of being afraid but willing to take changes
- the me that will stick up for friends and listen to the enemy
- the me who embraces the scales (I’m a libra) and lives life balanced
There are a lot of ways to be real.. these are just a few.. it won’t be easy.
I’m a survivor of childhood sexual and physical abuse. I am a child of alcoholic parents who couldn’t handle raising a child. I’m a child of growing up in the system as a foster child. At times my mind will flow clearly while at other times its riddled with fragments. While I already know a lot about myself, the real struggle is sharing it with the public.. and with people who know me..
One of my favorite songs is Charade – a tune that was part of Grease 2 – it is clearly where I’ve been and where part of me still lives!
Lyrics: Michael Gibson
Vocal: Maxwell Caulfield
I’m all dressed up in my finest attitude
Pretending I don’t care.
Guess I really messed up by trying to be two,
When only one heart can be there.
Why can’t I be just what I am,
And speak my love without any shame?
Why can’t she see what I am,
Is a costumed fool trapped in a tragic game?
Charades and pretty lies
They hide what’s deep inside me.
Charades do disguise
All the love I keep inside me.
Charades! Can’t see me,
But can you feel the real me,
The real me behind my charades?
Oh, please don’t mind me,
Performing at my hardest
As I paint upon the air.
You won’t find me
Cause it’s a portrait of the artist
As a man who isn’t there.
Can’t you feel the real me,
Behind my charades?
Have I lost the real me,
Behind my charades